Heartbreak

Despite the fact that I’ve had my share of men and breakups since I was 17, I’ve magically gotten over each one of them quite successfully, resilience being my middle name.

Gives me a head rush that for almost two decades I have been on quite a roller coaster though it is hardly emotional and more so a statistical wonder. I don’t act strong and upbeat, I’m honestly VERY happy each of those ended the way they did. Each relationship taught me something I HAD to learn in life. Given a choice I would not change my life one bit. The madness only left me wiser.

I am not going to speak about men because the heartbreak they’ve ever caused me so far is something though excruciating, healed very quickly.

It is some of the Friends I lost along the way that still makes my heart bleed almost a decade later.

It’s very difficult for me to find friends I actually like. I’m difficult and way too perceptive for my own good. Sadly, by now I can see through fake. It’s not a gift. It exponentially limits the social pool if you have zero tolerance for BS.

Yet to this day, some of the friends I lost, still give me a heartache enough to make me cry silently, wishing we were still together. Despite the fact that they abandoned me when I needed them the most and expected the least for them to step away.

It’s almost as if I was actually resting my back next to them and they stood up and walked away, leaving me swing and almost fall over the edge.

Like you lift a box expecting it to be full and heavy and it just swings right up because it’s empty and light as a feather.

She was the nicest person ever. Until that fateful day that she sent me that email severing contact because someone else wanted her to not speak to me any more. She chose to step away from me. The real me would not give a shit. The REAL real me, still silently prays for her well being.

THAT my friend is true heartbreak. Friends turning on you.

Men? Men aren’t capable of hurting you. It’s probably just a jolt that dissipates quick enough. I say that after two divorces and more than a few boyfriends through the past twenty-ish years. A friend close to your heart is one who can actually drive a spike through it too.

Theoretically I should hate her guts. I had even stopped thinking about her. Until I saw her at a tea restaurant in Islamabad, standing next to a pillar. Deliberately I looked away. She had made her decision very clear. I had nothing to think or feel any more but then, when we were about to leave, she walked over and said hello. Said how she made a bad decision to have let me go the way she did and how she regrets it badly. Told my baby she has a very special mama. I could hardly keep myself together as I couldn’t say too much. Sadly I could not bring myself to match the affection she was showering on me. That’s far. I couldn’t not be cold and I’ve NEVER been cold to someone talking to me nicely. Ever. How do I do this? Tears started flowing as soon as I walked away. As I walked down the pavement to our car, with my child in my arms and my clueless husband just holding me by my shoulders, I bawled like there was no tomorrow.

Once I told him the entire story, he went quiet for a bit. Then said “”Yaar I don’t know how you feel because I don’t give people that much importance anyway but I’m sorry you feel this way, it really must hurt. Ab bongon kee tarah jaa ke dosti naa kar leina aisay logon se. Move on” (now don’t be an idiot and go back to being friends with such people. Move on).

I trust him way more than I trust anyone with advice on human relations. He is one of the handful of people who convinced me to stop beating myself up for things I needed to let go. He is so much better at dealing with conflict and love than I can ever be. Literally breezes through tough decisions and tender ones while the fire spitting, hissy fit throwing, dragon of her teenage (that’s me) wobbles on her feet for being way too tired to deal with matters where the heart is at stake.

So yes. I’m going by his judgement and I know I’m better off away from people who chose to step away while I was perhaps living through the most treacherous times of my life so far.

However, the heartbreak is real and still bleeds because she is still one of the few people I got on with like a house on fire. The love for books, the excursions, the conferences. The common head and heart. Just not enough conviction to make and stick to one’s own decisions. Which sadly, is a deal breaker.

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